I have dreams sometimes but I'm not sure which of which dreams I'm dreaming.. I wake up in the house back in Ziellos, the whole thing still sighing. And I wake up here in the valley surrounded by warm forest. I might step out of here soon. I haven't seen another living animal in weeks. Just the sound of birds and things moving around at night.

If you can imagine what a rainforest sounds like, but with fewer animal noises, that's where I am right now. Most nights I don't fall asleep til the sun starts coming up and birds that I hear all the time but still haven't seen get louder. About my tree house idea: after looking at squirrel nests and bird nests, I got an idea. Would it be impractical to create a larger version of these animal nests? I might try it. If a beaver dam were made a bit larger, a person could live in that, right? I'm gonna try it out, I think. Right now I'm still hiking down into the valley-the most subtle valley ever, remember?

Crossed some overgrown train tracks a while back.

I have good reasons for not writing anything. About a month ago I left home. Rain, the changing temperature, and all sorts of natural processes moved on to the next stage of devouring the house. The roof has caved in. The day I left it looked like no one had lived there for decades. It wasn't even a sad sight, it was quiet. The house closed its eyes, bent its neck, lowered its head, and stopped talking to me.

I've been living off in the woods in a little tent, and I'm planning to build a tree house when I find the right tree. I keep hiking deeper into the forest, going down into the valley. The most subtle, unnoticeable valley ever. It's gorgeous out here. And the nights are beautiful now that the weather is on my side. It hasn't rained in a few days but the creeks are roaring with weeks of relentless rainwater.

I've had a few dreams that I'm still asleep in the house, and it's singing in its creaky voice. I sleep in the house, the house watches the road, the forest watches the house, and the forest sleeps in the valley. The valley looks at the sky and the stars trace lines across the whole wide thing.

I keep climbing down the most gradual slope while the air becomes nothing but more and more lush. The leaves, the plants, and even the bird sounds feel like they're becoming more plush. I don't know how to describe it, but I've been climbing down this valley for weeks, so I've got nothing but time to figure it out.

Have you ever been at that point in the week where it feels like you haven't actually made any movements? Where it feels like your insides are all melting together and maybe rotting? I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where my life lost track. I think it might've happened when I left Canada and my mom. Or maybe when I got this place. It's constantly changing, I think. But I'm not familiar enough with it to be sure.

I've been trying to read the newspaper more often. I read about this 20 year old girl named Clare who left home in Oregon and travelled with a guy she didn't know named Tony Padova. He dumped her body in New Mexico and he was caught a couple of days later drunk and slouched in the remains of a hooker he had slashed apart. The article says that Clare came from a wealthy family, that she had no history of depression, of rebellion, or of mental instability. It says that she had a good relationship with both of her parents and that she was an avid photographer.

The paper says that her parents plan on publishing a collection of her pictures to raise money for helping runaway teenagers. That's nice and all, but I don't think that anything happened to Clare that she didn't want to happen. Maybe she wanted to get away from everything so bad that she couldn't get far away enough no matter how far she went. I don't know. I think I'm just pretending to understand. Ziellos really isn't that far from Ontario, and I don't know why I've been thinking it is.

I walked all the way into town and back last night. It was warm enough finally to do this. I walked to town, got there, turned around, and came back. I've been looking around at the woods around here. There's not many trees right by the house, but they're not far off. During the day, if the wind and birds are really quiet there are some really strange noises out there. I'd like to record them some time but they're not always out there.

The attic door has swollen shut because of the increase in temperature, I think. The damn thing won't open. And the electricity has been going off again at random times. I'm not sure who in town to talk to about this or if anything can be done. I've been sleeping on the couch because I can't sleep in my bed these days. Sometimes I wake up and hear my mom's deep sleep breathing.

Today Emmett finally ansewred the phone and I told him I didn't think he actually exists. I said he was just a figment of my imagination. I called him an asshole and yelled about how he wasn't real. I told him and he didn't know what to say because I said what was real and someone fake can't even respond. It sounded like he started crying some fake human tears that shit stain. And then my mom called but I picked up the phone said "cunt" to her and threw the phone down and almost broke it I swear. I can't take this any more.

According to this website my last entry was on the 3rd, and now according to this website it is the morning of the 8th. I went to bed on the 3rd and woke up on the 8th. Apparently. Since I got up I've noticed really small things that aren't the way I remember them. The curtains in the living room are a little more blue than they used to be.. and some of the doors hinge on the opposite side, I think. I'm really confused and I'm not sure if I'm just disoriented or what. Some of the pictures seem like they're mirrored, also. Like my picture of my parents is flipped or something. They're looking to the right instead of the left. I think I'm just really confused. I'm not actually sure anything's changed at all.

I didn't make it into town on Saturday. The bus came but there was a really bad storm, so the driver stopped the bus and said he was told he couldn't drive and farther. So I ran back to the house and almost got caught up in the wind. It'd started ripping out my hair and pushing me off the road. But I made it back without any fence posts or chickens stuck through me.

Emmett said he might not be coming back from Georgia. For a while, anyway, but maybe not at all. His sister isn't doing well and her hospital stay has been extended. The electricity was off for so long today that I had to cut up wood outside and burn it in the fireplace to stay warm. I haven't eaten in a while, but I haven't been hungry for a few days now. I haven't been sleeping, either, in bed I get too warm and I hear things as soon as I fall asleep. It sounds like someone's in the room. It sounds like someone's in the room even when I'm awake but only sometimes.

I might catch the 12:21 bus later today into town-it's the only bus that comes near here all day. A change of surrounding might be good for me-I'll try and stay at Emmett and my ex-girlfriend's if she's still around. Maybe she'll let me stay there and let me recuperate for a little while. I don't like being out here when I don't know when Emmett will be back. When there's no one around it always feels like someone you don't want to know will be showing up.

Nothings happened all day. I almost prefer forgetting things and waking up and Emmett doing fucked up things. But I can't sleep and I haven't slept since I got home. My mom says she thinks I should come back to Canada for a while. I told her I would think about it. I won't think about it. I haven't heard from Emmett since the other night when he called from the road. His phone is off. The electricity has been turning off and on all night. If I'm not happy here why would I be happy anywhere else?

Emmett just signed online. He's in Georgia at his sister's. Her baby was born dead.

I think I'm on autopilot or screensaver. I am very depressed. I don't know why I'm bothering writing this. I woke up yesterday on the sidewalk in Manhattan outside of st. anthony's without any money. It took me til now to get home. I didn't care about it the entire time. It wasn't even inconvenient. But it should've been though. I know. It was tough getting home. Without any money. And it being cold out.

Emmett called me with his cell phone and woke me up. Said he was on his way over here. That two cars had crashed between our two houses. He told me that there were 5 people there, but he wouldn't tell me if they were alive. Emmett sounded like he was shaking like he was scared or excited. He said I should come see.

On the way there I couldn't see anything I couldn't tell if my eyes were closed. My footsteps echoed off nothing. I could hear my breath but the snow sucked every other sound in. After a little bit I thought I heard Emmett yelling but it was someone else who was in one of the cars. He was laying on his back 100 feet away from the road I couldn't see the crash yet. I yelled Emmett's name but I couldn't hear myself because of the snow and the kid was breathing too loud and I couldn't see where I was stepping. I got to the cars and there were people inside of them but the cars were all turned around each other like dinosaurs fighting. I couldn't find Emmett and I kept yelling his name but he must've left.

I think i got dizzy and fell down because I was yelling Emmett's name and not inhaling for a long time. I forgot which way was my house and which way was Emmett's and which way was the boy out in the field and when i stood back up i couldn't even see the cars anymore or the snow right in front of my face. I didn't move and it was really quiet.

I thought I saw a bug crawling down my wall really fast in the corner of my eye. My heart started racing in about a quarter second. It was just a black speck on my eyeball.

Fucking bugs.

I heard something outside my window but nothing was there. I might've been falling asleep when it happened. Now I don't want to lay back down. Emmett's not online, which means he is either playing video games or asleep on the couch.

I keep hearing noises in the wall right behind my computer, but it I think it's my desk rubbing up against it. My window is closed but I don't remember closing it. My door squeaks when I open it all of a sudden. I think I smell something cooking.

Emmett said that we shouldn't move to the midwest. He said we should go to the West coast. To Oregon or Washington or maybe even up into Canada. I thought maybe Alaska. Me and Emmett both don't want to go to California. I'm thinking Oregon. I've never wanted to go there before.

I was on the train earlier today. I don't remember how i got on there and I don't remember going to sleep. But I woke up on the train coming back from New york City. I'd paid for my ticket and the window was wet on the outside. My eyes are still dry. I don't remember being in New York City, but I was coming back from it. Luckily the train station is only a couple hours walk from here if I use the short cuts, so I got home OK.

I came over to my friend Emmett’s house after I couldn’t sleep. He was awake and playing video games since last night. He fell asleep after I got here. He has a nice computer and nice headphones, so I’m listening to Bernstein on his computer. The whole album is almost over and Emmett is sleeping. He’s sleeping on his couch which is right behind where I’m stiting.

It’s about a 15 minute walk over to here and it’s cold out here. Emmett and I have been talking about moving together. We’ve been talking about moving to Chicago maybe or maybe somewhere in Michigan. I don’t have a lot of money and Emmett has his parent’s money. I don’t know how much he’s allowed to use it. I don’t know if his parents would let him go. I never met his parents.

Emmett and I once shared the same girlfriend. This was when we were younger, though. Since then neither of us have had any girls. We hang out with each other pretty much. There aren’t many other people anywhere near. Maybe if one of us had a car. Emmett has a bike. I don’t have a bike. Neither of us have a car right now. There’s a tractor we used to pretend to drive. It never worked though.

I’m eating a nectarine. This whole morning whenever I burp it tastes like chicken fingers. Emmett talks in his sleep.

I woke up and now I can’t sleep. I think i slept for maybe 2 hours but it felt like I slept for a lot more. When I woke up I think I was still dreaming. I opened my eyes and I could smell chicken fingers. I was worried because my mom would think I was high. I thought I was still in Canada. I thought I heard my dad snow blowing the driveway. I thought I heard my dog snoring.

My window is more open then I remember it. I thought it was raining but it was a car driving by. Its not snowing, either. I think I have a tumor. I usually wake up not happy or sad or anything. I am so sad. If i smoked I’d do that.

There’s a prayer card from a funeral with St. Anthony on it. My dad told me he wanted to name me Anthony. I don’t remember who’s funeral this card was for. I can’t remember any funeral I’ve ever been to. I’m going to go make some chicken fingers.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about ALRH. I figure the best way to describe it is depressingly bad.. its tired me out so i think I'll just be going to lay down. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

I finished reading this books the other day. I am not certain why or how i made it through the whole thing. the first book I read in years. Since i don't know when. i wish i hadn't read it. I can barely seem to focus on anything in front of me. It was terrible, just terrible in a way i don'tknow how to explain. In some new way.